First, understand that the "client" in couples counseling is the relationship itself. I use a couple of metaphors to make this point. The best image might be that I'll ask you to view your relationship like a garden.
It takes intentional care for a garden become what we all hope for. A shared space that grows organically. Blooms into something beautiful for us to take delight in. Produces fruits and vegetables that nourish us. A shared space filled with gratitude for the work we put in together. Gardens take time, effort and willing gardeners.
1. Come to couples counseling knowing you'll need put on your gloves and put in your own effort.
This is can be difficult. Often couples do not come to counseling until they are seriously considering breaking up. Maybe ambivalence about the future of your relationship has set in. That's ok. It makes sense that anyone who isn't confident in the future of the relationship would have some apprehension about digging in and doing some hard work.
It might help to recognize that any of the effort you do put in will always benefit you in the future. Regardless of the relationship outcome. Relationships have patterns of behavior, because we as humans have patterns of behavior. If you're willing to accepting your own contribution to the problem, you will see the areas that you have to grow in. If you neglect to put effort into caring for this relationship, you will repeat the same unhealthy patterns in your next relationship.
The only goal of couples counseling is healthy relationship. Even highly motivated partners often find it difficult to accept their contribution. Again, that's ok. It's hard to be challenged to make changes. The point is that you know that your own effort will be an essential part of the counseling process.
2. Healthy gardens require healthy patterns of care.
Gardens are not like school where we are hoping for a good grade and certificate. They cannot be crammed for and passed the next day. This is the reason that we often become overwhelmingly discouraged when we think that we have done the behavior our partner has asked us to do but it has not produced the result we hoped for. Often, people come in ready to discuss the problem as it relates to specific behaviors. By discussing the behaviors with a marital therapist you will begin to see that there is much more going on than just the cumulation of behaviors. There is a set pattern that is keeping the relationship from being what you hope for. That pattern is our focus.
Know this -- if you do the work to change the patterns -- the upkeep isn't as intense as the inital changes. Once a garden has been established, it grows on its own. Of course, it will take some Saturdays (metaphorically) when you will both work hard and mend the fencing, do the weeding, remove what wasn't growing, plant, water, etc. Importantly, if there is a pattern of doing those things, it will grow and produce it's desired fruit and flower without you both needing to be working on it all the time.
This is an immensely rewarding experience for a couple. They've come to counseling and put in work and adjusted their patterns. Slowly and organically, like all real growth, they feel their relationship has began to produce. The beauty is evident. The connection, intimacy and support feels have bloomed.
3. I will supply you with the tools and education but not with explicit directions or decisions.
There's much to learn about relationships! I was amazed that I had to go to such a specialized program to learn what I was being taught about something that is such an integral part of all of our lives. Over and over in class or when doing the reading from brilliant psychologists and professors, I found that I was almost hugging myself as the wisdom of relationship science was striking me so deeply. This is an ongoing experience for me in continued education. For this reason, I have a real passion for teaching people established truths about relationships. I have a passion for supplying you with tools to care for your relationships. Just like gardening there is a science to it all. When you have a better understanding of that science, you will be able to be a much better gardener.
The hard part can be, I am not going to give you lots of advice. If advice worked, I wouldn't have a job. Instead, it will be up to you. The decisions are left up to you. You and your partner get to decide how much you're willing to implement the things you learn about yourselves, each other and healthy relationships.
Your relationship is ultimately up to you. I will be honored to be helpful for you and will care deeply about helping you explore ways to grow the garden that you are hoping for.